If You Call That A Kiss
by She's a Star
Summary: Alex is tired of fairy tales, and when his nightly bedtime story rolls around, he wants to know something more interesting...and that something is how his parents met. Disaster ensues. :)


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If You Call That A Kiss

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by She's a Star

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Disclaimer: The Mummy is mine. Yup. All mine. I thought it up. That was all me, people!

...if anyone actually believes me, I suggest you seek help.

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Author's Note: This is a bit pointless and very fluffy, but I was in a pointless-n-fluffy mood. :) 

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Alex wanted a bedtime story.

"Not just _any_ bedtime story," he informed his mother, Evelyn O'Connell, with such stubborn resolution that it was rather comical coming from a six-year-old boy. "I'm tired of Cinderella and Jack and the Beanstalk. I want an _exciting_ story."

He was definitely his father's son.

"Well," Evy responded with an amused smile on her face as she hugged him closer to her and shifted on the bed, "What do you want to know?"

Alex was quiet for a moment, face scrunched up in concentration.

"I want to know how you and Dad met," he finally proclaimed.

Oooh.

This could take a while.

She needed backup.

"Well," she said, "We'll need your dad to tell this one."

"Why?" Alex asked, curious.

Evy grinned. "Because I still don't know why he was in prison."

Alex's mouth dropped open. "Prison??"

"He was just having a good time," Evy replied dryly, tickling her son and causing him to collapse in a fit of giggles.

"Stop!" he ordered in between breathless laughter. "Mum, _stop that_!!"

"Why should I?" retorted Evy teasingly. "You wouldn't let me tell you Cinderella!"

"I don't _like_ Cinderella!" Alex cried, positively shaking with mirth as Evy ran her fingers up and down his belly. "It's a _girlie story_!"

"And what's wrong with girls, exactly??" Evy demanded in mock insult.

"They're weeeird!" Alex proclaimed, squealing as her tickling grew more vigorous.

"Hey!" Evy cried indignantly, now overcome with laughter herself. "_I'm_ a girl, you know!"

"Exactly!"

Feigning mortal offense, Evy stuck her tongue out at Alex and began to tickle him even harder.

"Dad!!" Alex shrieked. "Dad, help!!!"

About a millisecond later, a frightened-but-alert Rick O'Connell burst into the bedroom in full 'save the periled son' mode. Evy was rather surprised that he hadn't grabbed a gun on the way.

"Alex, are you okay..." the words died on his lips as his gaze fixed on his wife and son. "Ah. Buddy, don't scare me like that. I thought you were in trouble."

"I _am_ in trouble!" Alex said firmly. "_She_ won't stop tickling me!!"

Rick gasped in horrified disbelief. "No!"

Alex nodded grimly. "And all I wanted was a bedtime story!"

"Well, she's a mean one, your mom," Rick said, cocking his head in Evy's direction.

"Mr. O'Connell!" Evy cried after throwing him a quick wink. "How _dare _you refer to me in a less than glowing manner?"

"I can't _lie_ in front of our son!" Rick replied, making his way over toward them. "It would be setting a bad example."

"You're unbearable," Evy accused, leaning up to kiss him.

"And you aren't?" he responded, grinning.

Their lips had touched for approximately a tenth of a second before Alex groaned. "Enough already," he said, climbing over Evy's lap and pushing his parents apart. "I need my bedtime story!"

"Okay, okay," Rick sank down onto the bed next to them, slung his arm around Evy's shoulders, and pulled Alex into his lap. "What do you want to hear tonight?"

"Why were you in _prison_?" Alex asked, his blue eyes huge.

Rick glared at his wife. "Thanks, Evy."

"Any time."

"Why were you, Dad?" Alex asked impatiently. "Why why why?"

"I was just having a good time," Rick said defensively.

Alex pouted. "That's what Mum said."

"That's what you chose to be his bedtime story?" Rick muttered to Evy. "Why Daddy was in prison?? Why don't you tell him Cinderella?"

"He doesn't like Cinderella," Evy whispered back. "And plus, I'd rather like to know why you were in prison myself."

"Well, it's not exactly appropriate for our six year old son to know, _dear_," Rick hissed through gritted teeth.

"Fine, _darling_," Evy muttered back. 

"You two know that I can hear everything you're saying," Alex pointed out in an infuriatingly 'I-know-all' tone that was quite reminiscent of his mother's.

"Why are you so smart?" Rick asked, annoyed. 

"Runs in the family," Evy smiled.

"Shut up."

"You have to tell me how you met!" Alex whined. "Mum, you _have to_!"

"All right, all right," Evy said with a sigh. "You see, your Uncle Jon came to me one day while I was working at the museum, and he had this little box. The box opened up into a key, and inside of the box was a map to Hamunaptra."

"What's that?" Alex asked, puzzled.

"You see, Alex," Evy said, "A long, long time ago, there was a Pharaoh called Seti the First, and-"

"Spare yourself the boredom, Alex," Rick cut in. "It's the City of the Dead. All you need to know."

Alex gulped. "The _dead_??"

"Rick, you're going to scare him!" Evy muttered. In a louder, brighter voice she said, "Alex, sweetheart, that's just what it was called. There was lots and lots of gold there, you see."

"What does this have to do with you guys?" Alex asked impatiently.

"We're getting there, darling," Evy assured him. "Now, you see, Jonathan had...borrowed this key from your father, who I'd never met before. Now, your daddy was in prison-"

"Why?" Alex asked, stern as he studied his father.

"Moving on..." Rick cut in pointedly. 

"Well, I went to see your father to find out how to get to Hamunaptra," Evy said. "And he looked _disgusting_-"

"Hey!" Rick cut in indignantly. "I prefer unshaven."

"You looked like a rogue mountain man," Evy informed him. 

"That didn't stop you from kissing me," Rick grinned.

"Excuse me, but if I recall correctly, _you_ kissed _me_."

"Sheesh," Alex said in disbelief. "You kissed when you first met? All you guys ever do is _kiss_!!"

"Believe me, Alex, I didn't _want_ him to kiss me," Evy assured her son, wrinkling her nose. "He looked _awful_."

"Oh, you wanted to kiss me," Rick argued teasingly.

Evy smirked at him. "If you call _that_ a kiss."

Rick leaned down to Alex. 

"She enjoyed it," he informed his son in a stage whisper.

"Can we move on from the kissing part?" Alex requested, sticking out his tongue. "It's gross."

"You mean you don't think it's romantic?" Evy inquired, smiling.

Alex shook his head, wrinkling his nose. "Can we get to the good part?"

"You've heard about how we met already, though," Evy pointed out.

"It was boring," Alex proclaimed. "You met at a prison, Dad looked disgusting, and you kissed. I thought it would be more interesting than that!"

"Believe me, buddy, it gets better," Rick assured.

"Really?" Alex asked, sounding a bit skeptical.

"You see," Evy said, "Just after I met your father and he told me that he'd been to Hamunaptra-"

"You've _been_ to the city with the dead guys?!" Alex asked in awe.

"Oh yeah," Rick replied, nonchalant. "A couple of times."

Alex studied his father in disbelief for a moment.

"And then the guards came and took him away," Evy continued, "And said that they were going to hang him."

"Hang you?!" Alex cried. "What did you _do_, Dad??"

"Nothing, Alex," Rick responded through gritted teeth. "And anyway, I didn't die. Don't worry."

"I know," Alex said impatiently. "You're right here. They couldn't hang you and have you still be alive."

"Actually," Evy said, eyes sparkling, "They did."

"What??!!" Alex asked. "How did you stay alive, Dad??"

"I have a strong neck," Rick deadpanned. "But your lovely mother bargained with the warden of the prison for my life, and so I was let out."

"And you fell in love and got married," Alex groaned. "Why can't you guys be interesting??"

"Hey, slow down," Evy said, laughing. "We weren't married quite yet. First, we went to Hamunaptra."

"The dead guy city?!"

"You betcha," Rick replied with a grin.

"What'd you see there?!" Alex asked, suddenly very interested. "What'd you see?? Were there _dead guys_???"

Rick opened his mouth to respond, eyes twinkling, but Evy cut him off.

"Rick," she muttered out of the corner of her mouth, "_Don't._ He'll have nightmares for months!"

"Come on, Evy, give the guy some credit," Rick argued. "He's tough enough to take it."

"He's _six_!" Evy cried incredulously. "_I_ was terrified out of my mind at twenty-four!"

"Tell meeee!" Alex demanded, bouncing up and down from where he sat. "TellMeTellMeTellMeTellMe-"

"Alex!" Evy cut in sternly. "You're really too young to know about this. Darling, can't you just go to bed? Perhaps I'll tell you some other time."

"Aw, you're no fun," Alex informed his mother, pouting. He turned to Rick. "_You'll_ tell me, won't you, Dad?"

"Sure-"

Rick was abruptly cut off when Evy's elbow connected rather painfully with his stomach.

"...ly _not_," he finished with an 'are-you-satisfied?' glance in his wife's direction. "Nope. Won't tell you."

Alex crossed his arms in front of his chest and stuck out his lower lip.

"You guys are _mean_," he accused, furrowing his brows in an angry death glare.

"Oh, don't you overreact," Evy instructed gently, climbing off of the bed and tucking the blankets around her son. "Tomorrow, we'll go visit the museum for a day. How does that sound?"

"Will you tell me then?" Alex asked, far from surrendering.

"Alexander Jonathan O'Connell, you aren't making matters any better for yourself," Evy said bluntly, narrowing her eyes at him. "Now, go to sleep and I just _may_ consider it."

She kissed him on the forehead before leaving the room. After a moment's consideration, she stepped back inside to find her son and husband talking animatedly.

Evy automatically crossed her arms in front of her chest and fixed a glare on her face that no doubt portrayed _just_ how much trouble the beloved men in her life were in. 

"You'll tell me, won't you, Dad?"

"Of course," Rick responded, grinning. "Oh, Alex, buddy, you're gonna love this. This is great. You see, there were-"

"Eh ehm," Evy cleared her throat pointedly.

They both looked up at her with identical expressions of nervous guilt.

"Er...hi, sweetie," Rick said awkwardly. "I was just...you know, saying goodnight."

"Yeah, hi, Mum," Alex said with a huge, completely forced smile that he often donned after breaking an antique vase or taking a sip of Uncle Jon's sherry. "Dad was just leaving-"

"You two," Evy responded, not able to hold back a small smile as she shook her head. "_What_ am I going to do with you?"

"Please don't kill us," Alex requested meekly.

Evy held back laughter and instead ordered, "Alex, lights out. Go to sleep. Rick, get up."

They reluctantly obeyed, Rick ruffling Alex's hair before leaving his son's room.

"Goodnight, Alex," Evy whispered, shutting the door quietly before turning to her husband.

He flashed her a sheepish grin. 

"Evy, baby, you _know_ how hard it is to turn that kid down."

Evy rolled her eyes and slipped her arm through her husband's. 

"Well," she responded with a careless sigh, "All I can say is that if you _had_ told him, you would also be the one staying up all night with him for the next few months."

"I suppose you _did_ save me from potential disaster, then," he agreed easily.

Evy gave him a teasing smile. "That's the _second_ time I've saved your life, O'Connell. You're quite the damsel in distress."

"Damsel in distress?" Rick asked, appalled. "_Me_? Excuse me, Evelyn, but _you_ were not the one to save _me_ from a seriously screwed-up mummy who attempted to sacrifice you for his dead girlfriend!" 

"But I _did_ make him mortal," Evy reminded him, grinning. "Therefore, _I_ was the one to save the world."

"The world wouldn't have needed saving if you woulda left that book alone," Rick grumbled, then mimicked in a high falsetto, "'No harm ever came from reading a book!' You know," he added dryly, "Without the occasional _mummy resurrection_!"

"At least _you_ didn't have to kiss it," replied Evy, wrinkling her nose. "Twice. That was the most disgusting, foul-"

"Ewwww!!"

A very high, disgusted cry filled the air, and Evelyn somehow doubted that it belonged to her husband.

"Busted," Rick muttered. 

Evy glared at him before turning around to find her son's bedroom door open a bit. Upon further inspection, she found Alex sitting on the floor, watching them through the crack.

"Uh oh," Alex said miserably.

"Alex, darling, am I the _only_ one who heard myself ask you to go to bed?" Evy asked impatiently.

"But Mum!" Alex protested desperately. "It's not my fault! Dad _told_ me to stay up! He said he'd get you to tell the story somehow!"

Evy slowly fixed her death glare on Rick, who suddenly looked _very_ uneasy.

"So you're plotting against me?" she asked with a saccharine smile.

He laughed nervously. "Evy, honey, what can you say? I mean, really, it didn't scare him too bad! And...well..."

"You two are awful," Evy scolded. "Honestly, I don't know why I put up with you. Mummies were quite delightful in comparison."

"That's so neat!" Alex said with a grin. "Mummies? _Real_ ones?? How come you didn't tell me about that?!"

"You mean you're not scared?" Evy asked in disbelief.

"No way!" Alex cried. "That's bloody _amazing_!"

"Watch your mouth," Evy scolded instantly.

"Uncle Jon says it all the time," Alex reminded her.

"Well, look how he turned out," Evy rolled her eyes. "Now get to bed at once. Don't make me say it again."

Alex obediently stood up and walked into his bedroom, but paused after a moment.

"Mum?"

"Yes, Alex?"

"Did you _really_ kiss the mummy?"

Evy nodded, wrinkling her nose. "Believe me, darling, I didn't enjoy it."

Alex was quiet for a moment before proclaiming with an impish grin, "That's what you said about Dad."

And with that last declaration, he turned and went off into his bedroom, shutting the door behind him.

"Yeah, Evy," Rick said slyly, snaking his arm around her waist, "That's what you said about me. Did you _enjoy_ this Imhotep kissing more than you let on?"

"_Please_, darling, that's not even funny," Evy declared, feeling quite sickened at the memory. 

"So, was kissing me really..._that_ disgusting?" asked Rick teasingly, placing both hands lightly on her hips and grinning down at her.

"Well, it wasn't that awful," Evy admitted, smiling back as she lazily slung her arms over her husband's shoulders. "If you call _that_ a kiss."

"Quit saying that," Rick ordered. "You know you were smitten."

"I was not," Evy argued, standing on tip-toe so she could see him eye-to-eye, therefore increasing the effect of her glare. "O'Connell, honestly, you're so aggravatingly narcissistic-"

She was quite rudely cut off, however, when Rick gave her a fond smile before pressing his lips to her own. While she always enjoyed a banter session with her husband, she decided that it could be postponed for a moment for this. As the kiss deepened, she concluded to herself that she had indeed been oddly smitten with him, and still was. But of course, he didn't have to know that.

The embrace was cut short, however, when Rick pulled away from her, looking vaguely alarmed. 

"What?" Evy asked at once, wondering if he'd heard something. He'd always been able to detect danger before she could. "What is it?"

"God, Evy, it's true," he said in horror.

"What is it?" she repeated impatiently. "What are you talking about?"

"Alex was right," Rick declared. "All we ever do is kiss!"

Evy relaxed at once, and gave him a flirtatious smile. 

"Well, Mr. O'Connell," she said slyly, "Is there something else you'd rather be doing?"

Rick stopped to consider this for a moment before pulling her toward him again.

"Good point."

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The End


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